How to Help Your Friend through a Difficult Time, Part 2: Your Role

Your Role When Helping Your Friend Through a Problem

When helping a friend through a difficult time, it is important to be clear about the most helpful role for you to play in your friend’s story.

Your friend is living her life and writing the story of her life one action at a time. She is the lead actor of her life making her way though her difficult challenge. You are in a supporting role. 

Your most helpful role is as a companion, observer, and supporter.

What Your Role is NOT

It’s important to know what your role is not when you are helping a friend with a problem.

You are not your friend’s fixer, rescuer, cavalry, knight in shining armor, mother or father, hero or heroine.

You are not the one who asks a lot of questions about your friend’s past, analyze her story, and determine the cause and cure of your friend’s problem.

Neither are you with your friend to make your friend “feel better.” You’re not there to change your friend’s feelings to feelings that are more comfortable for you.

You are not the “thought police.” Your friend has no thoughts that you have to police.

You are not the director of your friend’s life story, not in the role of telling your friend what to do and not do. Your friend is both the lead actor in his challenge and his own director of his actions.

Most important of all,  you are not your friend. Your friend’s challenge is not yours. It’s not your role to become the lead actor or a participant in your friend’s problem. When you over-identify with your friend and his problem, you and your friend both have problems to solve.

Your Role

Again, the best role to be in to help your friend is as a companion, observer, and supporter as she makes her way through the challenge she faces. 

You are someone safe, with whom your friend can safely and confidentially express whatever he feels.

You’re in the role of listening to your friend express her thoughts without forming opinions about what she thinks. You listen without judging her thoughts right or wrong. You neither agree nor disagree with what she thinks. 

You’re in the role of a collaborator; that is, one with whom your friend can form a plan of action. But it has to be her plan, not yours. 

As your friend’s friend, you are also in the role of protecting him from harming himself or others. You’re the one who gets helps if your friends is suicidal or a threat to others. You are the one who calls 911 when needed. You are the one who tells your friend that she needs help that you are not qualified to give.

Part Three of this series will give you some practical actions you can take to help your friend.

Mark W. Neville

Author, Educator, Life Therapist

828-551-8825

www.markwneville.com

On-line Counseling at WeCounsel

Book: Re-Visioning Spirit: A Brief Introduction to Thumotics

www.facebook.com/MarkWNevilleMDiv

How to Help Your Friend Get Through a Difficult Time, Part 1

It’s hard to watch a friend struggle through a challenging time in his or her life. Sometimes it’s more than hard. It’s painful. 

We care about our friends. It’s normal to want to help our friend going through a difficult time and important to know exactly how best to help. In this three-part series, I share information that you can use to help your friend.

In Part One, I share 7 things you need to know about your friend’s problem, emotions, thoughts, plans, and actions.

In Part Two, I share helpful, practical information about the most helpful role for you to be in when helping your friend.

In the last part, Part Three, I give you some practical things to do to help your friend through the difficult challenge.

Part One: 7 Basic Things to Get about Your Friend Dealing with a Problem

1. Your friend’s problem is not yours to take on and try to fix as if it was your own. Doing so robs your friend of an important opportunity in making his way through his difficulty.

    Your friend’s problem is your friend’s problem.

2. Your friend’s emotional responses are what they are. She feels what she feels. Her feelings are neither right nor wrong. They simply are what she feels. She cannot change her emotions by willing them to be different. If she could, she would. Like weather fronts, they will pass. 

3. Your friend’s thoughts are also what they are. They might be about doing things that are either helpful or harmful, but thoughts themselves are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Like emotions, thoughts come and go.

4. Your friend’s emotions and thoughts are less important than your friend’s plans and actions. What your friend plans to do or not do matters. What your friend actually does or does not do matters above all else.

5. What your friend plans to do to address his problem guides what he actually does. Since your friend’s problem is his to solve, his plan to solve his problem is also his. Creating a plan is his work, not yours. But you can help him think through and form his plan.

6. Your friend’s actions are hers. Whatever she does, she will not fail. She will do what she does. And she will get feedback. She will experience the consequences of her actions. Those consequences will help her decide whether to keep doing what she’s doing or do something different.

7. Your friend will make his way through his problem, one way or another: constructively or destructively. And he will do so with or without you. You are not necessary for your friend to solve his problem. However, you might be able to help him act more constructively than destructively to himself and others.

If this post is helpful to you, it probably is to others as well. Please share it and help others help their friends too.

NEXT POST: My next post, the second part of this series, will be about the best role for you to play and practical things you can do to help your friend through a difficult challenge.

Our Future Shattered by Grief...

7 Reasons We Choose Holistic Healthcare Providers

Our healthcare industry is tyrannized by the manufacturing assembly line model created by Henry Ford to build cars. That’s why we call it an industry.

Physicians are the assembly line workers. Office visits are what they produce. Their investors, primarily insurance companies, determine what they will pay physicians per visit. Many physicians also have quotas for how many office visits they must “make” each day. 

Physicians have treatment protocols to follow for addressing their patients symptoms. Protocols help physicians work more efficiently so they can “make” their daily quota of patient visits.

Physicians often get bonus pay for writing prescriptions and ordering tests. Their primary purpose is to make money for their investors and themselves by “making” as many visits per day as they can.

In our healthcare industry, patients are the things on the production line. Their symptoms are problems to fix. The process for fixing them is highly mechanical. 

The less time physicians spend per patient, the more visits they can “make" each day. The more visits they make, the money they and their investors make.

Physicians give an average of 7 minutes to each patient they see.

Just as assembly line workers in other manufacturing industries are being replaced by robots, so are physicians. It is a short step from in-person treatment protocols to on-line treatment protocols. Already, patients can call in and answer questions asked by a computer that will lead them through the protocol algorithm to their treatment plan. Why pay humans to do what robots can do cheaper?

Over the years of my professional healthcare career and personal life, I have consistently heard seven main reasons people seek holistic and integrative healthcare: They want-

A personal encounter with a human being that cares about them and their health. They feel the therapeutic value of the personal encounter.

Their healthcare provider to take the time to listen, discuss, and understand what is going on with them. NOTE: When they say they feel bad, they don't want their physician to tell them the tests say that there is nothing wrong with them. 

To be treated as a human being not a thing on an assembly line.

To be treated as a whole person, not a set of physical symptoms.

The cause, not just the symptoms, of their disease addressed.

To use all of the safe, natural methods of healing that are available to them. This is the integrative part of healing.

To be well as a whole person with a life, not just symptom free. This is the holistic part of healing.

I have also consistently had clients and patients tell me that they are self-treating more and using complementary and alternative therapies to do so.

According to a study published in 2007 by the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health, 4 in 10 adults in the US use some form of complementary and alternative medicine. The study reported significant increases in the use of complementary and alternative therapies over the 2002 study.  The 2012 study showed little change for 2007 to 2012.

By far the most frequent form of complementary and alternative medicine used is nutritional supplements. 

My clients tell me they self-treat because conventional healthcare is too expensive and confusing. 

They say complementary and alternative approaches are safer and easier to access.

In my opinion, what the healthcare industry is doing is unsustainable. It's going down the same road as other manufacturing industries in the US. Time will tell if my prediction is right.

No Failures, Only Feedback...

There is only one kind of life...

Believe in Yourself ...

10 Things to Love about On-line Counseling

If you are like me, you might be skeptical about on-line counseling and therapy services. However, they are growing in popularity.  Now that I have done on-line sessions for a while, I understand why.

At first, I was very skeptical about caring for clients on-line. Now, I love it. Here are ten things I am loving about on-line sessions:

1. They’re easy to do. Both my clients and I have found it easy to log-in and connect with each other. All we need is a PC, laptop, tablet, or smart phone with a camera and mic; internet connection, and username and password for the counseling website.

2. We aren’t limited geographically. You get to have your session wherever you choose. We can be anywhere, as long as it’s a private location, and meet on-line for a session. Neither one of us have to be “in town” or drive somewhere to meet. No one sees you going into my office.

3. Our sessions are secure and confidential. Your information and sessions meet and exceed the Federal HIPAA regulations. Your information is not sold or shared with others. Strict confidentiality is maintained.

4. We have the benefit of seeing and hearing each other during your session. This is important for both you and me. I see your facial expressions and gestures and hear the tone of your voice. You see mine as well. This supports our sense of connection that is so important to our work together.

5. You can access my calendar and schedule your own appointment, if you want to.

6. We both receive reminders of our appointment so we don’t miss it or show up late and cut your time short.

7. I can share clinical and teaching documents with you on-line during our session. These are secured and protected.

8. Paying your bill is easy and documented. 

9. It’s easy to refer family members, friends, and co-workers, regardless of where they live.

10. It raises the quality of care provided by all counselors and therapists, because high quality care is now a click away.

Yes, there are  some cons to on-line counseling and therapy work: We cannot shake hands or hug. Sometimes there are technical problems that we have to address. But, in my experience so far, the pros outweigh the cons.

If you think I might be able to help you make your way through a difficult challenge that you’re facing now, I offer free 30-minute initial consultations.

You can connect with me on-line here:

 https://portal.wecounsel.com/directory/markwneville

Or call me at 828-551-8825 

Identify What You Are Really Good At...

Try This Basic Practice...

Proof Copies of My First Book!

Proof copies of my first book arrived today! Soon it will be available on Amazon.com! Stay tuned!

Two Styles of Adapting to Changes

There are two basic styles of processing and adapting to changes in our life: emotive-verbal and cognitive-behavioral.

Emotive-Verbal (EV) Style

In the emotive-verbal style we process and adapt to changes by feeling and expressing our emotions and talking with others about them. We cover our face, groan, cry, yell, hit, walk away. We talk about what happened with family, friends, counselors, and therapists. We might also self-medicate or take pharmaceutical prescriptions to help us manage our emotions. We think about and do the things we need to do, but primarily we emote and talk our way through our process of adaption to the change.

Cognitive-Behavioral (CB) Style

In the cognitive-behavioral style we process and adapt to changes by thinking about what we need to do to adapt to the change and doing it. We feel emotions in response to the change, but we process and adapt to the change by thinking and doing. We identify the various tasks the change made necessary and complete the tasks. We take care of financial, legal, and other business matters, take care of and fix material things, go where we need to go, and see who we need to see in order to adapt to the change.


Both Styles are Valid and Effective

Both styles of processing and adapting are effective and valid. We all do both in varying degrees as we adapt to changes. We have to.

Both styles have their advantages and disadvantages. Those of the emotive-verbal style are good at connecting with others and receiving the support they need. They often need help with identifying and completing the tasks they need to do adapt. Those of the cognitive-behavioral style are good at getting things done that need to be done to adapt to the change. They often need help with identifying and expressing their emotional responses to changes in their life.

It is common for those of the emotive-verbal style to misjudge those of the cognitive-behavioral style as being cold-hearted, uncaring, and unloving. Those of the cognitive-behavioral style feel their emotions too. They just do not process and adapt by expressing their emotion and talking with others about the change they are adapting to.

It is equally common for those of the cognitive-behavioral style to misjudge those of the emotive-verbal style as being overly emotional and wallowing in their feelings. Those of the emotive-verbal style also think and do. They just do not process and adapt to change by thinking and doing. They process and adapt by emoting and talking with others.

What Is Your Style?

It is helpful to identify our style of processing and adapting. It can also be helpful to identify the styles of others processing and adapting to the same change. Doing so helps all of us process and adapt in more caring, constructive and effective ways.

Two Kinds of Fear and What to Do with Them

The Odds Were Against You Being Born...Now What?

Dr. Ali Binazir illustrates in a blog post the extreme unlikelihood of you ever being born:

Imagine there was one life preserver thrown somewhere in some ocean and there is exactly one turtle in all of these oceans, swimming underwater somewhere. The probability that you came about and exist today is the same as that turtle sticking its head out of the water — in the middle of that life preserver. On one try.

Dr. Binazir crunched the exact numbers:

The odds of your dad meeting your mom: 1 in 20,000. 

The chances of them staying together long enough to have kids: 1in 2,000.

The probability of you existing at all comes out to 1 in 102,685,000  — 10 followed by 2,685,000 zeroes.

Binazir concludes that the odds of you being alive are basically zero.  

Be wondered by the mere fact that you are alive. You are truly amazing.

You are the culmination of everyone in your family tree and everything that sustained their lives.

You're not rare. You're beyond rare. 

You are a one-of-a-kind, once-in-forever occurrence.

Your life is a once and done opportunity.

What life-story are you writing with your words and deeds?

What life do you want for yourself?

What do you want to give to others with whom you are sharing this mystery called life?

What are the chances of you finding and reading this blog post?

What will you do now that you read it?

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/infographic-the-odds-of-being-alive-2012-6#ixzz35PWKMXiT

Realize the Life You Want