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Sex, Religion, Politics: What My Elders Taught Me

The divisiveness among us in general, and this election cycle in particular, have inspired me to reconsider what my elders taught me: It's best to avoid three topics for polite and civil public conversations: sex, religion, and politics. I believe their wisdom was based on generations of actually experiencing the harm that such conversations, when had in public, can have on us and our relationships with each other. 

Public conversations on these topics rarely, if ever, change the behaviors, beliefs, or opinions of those who engage in them. If anything, they promote the hardening of positions and harming of relationships. They tend to dehumanize and divide rather than unite us.

I believe your opinions and beliefs concerning sex, religion, and politics are none of my business. Why would I care about them? If I did care, I would speak with you in private about them, not in a public setting. 

My opinions and beliefs concerning sex, religion, and politics are none of your business. Why would you care about them? If you do, speak with me in private about them.

Your opinions of my opinions and beliefs are also none of my business. Again, I do not care. Why should I? 

I do care about you and our relationship. I do care if you threaten or harm me or those I love and care about. Otherwise, I'm not here to live according to your expectations or hopes for me. Neither are you here to live according to mine. 

I also care very much about our freedom to live our lives, with no harm to others, as we so choose. And I care about our freedom to express our beliefs and opinions, whatever they are. Just don't expect me to give a damn about your expressed beliefs and opinions. I might or might not give a damn. 

When it comes to elections, I don't care about what you have to say about who you're for and against, unless I ask you in private. I care about what the politicians have to say to all of us. And I care about their record. 

You have no sway on how I vote, except when your public behavior and words tell me something about the kind of folks your candidate attracts. 

I wonder why candidates do not care more about what their own constituents say and do in public. 

So, I've decided to take to heart the wisdom of my elders. I'm going private with my opinions about sex, religion, and politics. From now on, I consider your opinions on these topics private too. They're none of my business. If you expose them, I'll pretend I didn't see them and move on...

Because I care more about you and our relationship than I do about your opinions and beliefs regarding sex, religion, and politics. 

How to Help Your Friend Through a Difficult Time, Part 3

Practical Things You Can Do To Help Your Friend

Just as it is important for you to know the best role for you be in to help your friend through a difficult time, it’s also important to know the practical actions you can take to help you friend. What follows are some basic, tried and true, practical, helpful actions to take.

Be available to your friend. Offer to help. Say how you can help and ask your friend if that would be helpful. Say,“I hear that you are dealing with a difficult challenge. I see its affect on you. I care about you. I know you will get through this. And I want to help. You can talk and I’ll listen. I’ll be with you through this and support you. Would that be helpful?

If your friend declines your help, she’s allowed to do so. Her declination is not a rejection of you personally. Leave the door open. You can always offer again later, if needed. 

If your friend accepts your offer, when you are with your friend, relax. Be non-anxiously present. Smile gently. Believe in your friend. Exude confidence in your friend’s ability to make her way through her difficult challenge.

Give your friend your full attention. Listen closely to your friend’s story. Draw out the story. Say things like,“Tell me more” and “What happened next?” Tell your friend what you heard and ask if you understood correctly: “So, I heard you say ___. Did I get that right?”

Accept and do not try to change your friend’s feelings. Validate his feelings. Say things like, “So, I see and hear you crying. Here is some tissue“ or “Yes, I hear how angry/sad/afraid/guilty you feel. You are allowed to feel exactly as you feel.”

Normalize his feelings. Say, “It’s normal for you to feel the way you do. If I were you, I would feel the same way.”

Your friend will be able to think more clearly and make constructive decisions after her emotions pass…and they will pass.

Just listen as your friend shares her thoughts. There is no need to form opinions about your friend’s thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts, neither right nor wrong. But some thoughts are more constructive than others. You can ask, “How does thinking that help you move forward?”

Applaud the constructive actions your friend takes that help him move forward with his life: Great move! You did it! Way to go! You rock!

After she makes her way through the challenge, find a way to celebrate with her. She gets all the credit. She has accomplished something difficult to do. It’s worth celebrating in a way that is congruent with her accomplishment.

And finally, congratulate yourself. You have been a true friend. You helped your friend through one of life’s difficult challenges.

Mark W. Neville, MDiv

828-551-8825

www.markwneville.com

On-line Counseling at WeCounsel

Book: Re-Visioning Spirit: A Brief Introduction to Thumotics

www.facebook.com/MarkWNevilleMDiv