Practical Things You Can Do To Help Your Friend
Just as it is important for you to know the best role for you be in to help your friend through a difficult time, it’s also important to know the practical actions you can take to help you friend. What follows are some basic, tried and true, practical, helpful actions to take.
Be available to your friend. Offer to help. Say how you can help and ask your friend if that would be helpful. Say,“I hear that you are dealing with a difficult challenge. I see its affect on you. I care about you. I know you will get through this. And I want to help. You can talk and I’ll listen. I’ll be with you through this and support you. Would that be helpful?
If your friend declines your help, she’s allowed to do so. Her declination is not a rejection of you personally. Leave the door open. You can always offer again later, if needed.
If your friend accepts your offer, when you are with your friend, relax. Be non-anxiously present. Smile gently. Believe in your friend. Exude confidence in your friend’s ability to make her way through her difficult challenge.
Give your friend your full attention. Listen closely to your friend’s story. Draw out the story. Say things like,“Tell me more” and “What happened next?” Tell your friend what you heard and ask if you understood correctly: “So, I heard you say ___. Did I get that right?”
Accept and do not try to change your friend’s feelings. Validate his feelings. Say things like, “So, I see and hear you crying. Here is some tissue“ or “Yes, I hear how angry/sad/afraid/guilty you feel. You are allowed to feel exactly as you feel.”
Normalize his feelings. Say, “It’s normal for you to feel the way you do. If I were you, I would feel the same way.”
Your friend will be able to think more clearly and make constructive decisions after her emotions pass…and they will pass.
Just listen as your friend shares her thoughts. There is no need to form opinions about your friend’s thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts, neither right nor wrong. But some thoughts are more constructive than others. You can ask, “How does thinking that help you move forward?”
Applaud the constructive actions your friend takes that help him move forward with his life: Great move! You did it! Way to go! You rock!
After she makes her way through the challenge, find a way to celebrate with her. She gets all the credit. She has accomplished something difficult to do. It’s worth celebrating in a way that is congruent with her accomplishment.
And finally, congratulate yourself. You have been a true friend. You helped your friend through one of life’s difficult challenges.
Mark W. Neville, MDiv
828-551-8825
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